You have two cows…

Mark Gilbert adapts the old jokes about having two cows under communism, capitalism, etc. and explains the wonders of modern finance (via Paul Kedrosky),

Carbon-Emissions Trading

You have two cows. They produce 1.2 tons of methane gas per day. After a hefty donation to the re-election campaign of your local representative, the government gives you enough emission permits for six cows. You sell three permits, buy another cow, and apply for a European Commission grant to build a methane-gas power station.

Interest-Rate Swaps

You have two cows. You pledge one of them to me as collateral in a swap for some of my pigs. I pledge the cow to my neighbor as collateral in a swap for some of his sheep. He pledges the cow to his cousin as collateral in a swap for some of his cousin’s goats. Better pray the livestock market doesn’t crash and we have to try and round up that cow.

Paul Kedrosky’s take on venture capitalists,

Venture Capital

You have two cows. One is male, and one is female. Mike Moritz says he loves both cows and will buy 35% of the pair for $100. After the deal is signed he tells you to kill your female cow, and then says your male cow must produce a baby cow within three months or you’re fired. Three months and one day later he fires you, takes your remaining cow, and transfers it into a milking machine company which then goes public on Nasdaq, earning him $10,000,000. Citing a lactation preference in the term sheet, however, he keeps all but $0.10 of the proceeds. “No hard feelings,” he says, “and be sure to come back the next time you have cows.”

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2 thoughts on “You have two cows…

  1. this is the original:

    TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.
    INDIAN ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. You worship them.
    PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
    You don’t have any cows. You go to your friends house where he hospitably offers one of his cows as a gift. You tell all your other friends, who tell all their friends; before your hospitable friend knows it he has thousands of Pakistani’s at his door.
    AMERICAN ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows and naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
    FRENCH ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
    GERMAN ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
    BRITISH ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. They are both mad.
    ITALIAN ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. You don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
    SWISS ECONOMICS
    You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
    JAPANESE ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an Ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and Market them worldwide.
    RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.
    CHINESE ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
    BANGLADESH ECONOMICS
    You have two cows. You don’t know economy. You choose one of them as the Prime Minister of the country and The other as the Leader of the Opposition

    it’s much better than yours. even THIS spoof is better:

    FEUDALISM
    You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
    PURE SOCIALISM
    You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
    BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
    You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
    FASCISM
    You have two cows. The government takes them both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
    PURE COMMUNISM
    You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
    RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
    You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
    CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
    You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
    DICTATORSHIP
    You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
    PURE DEMOCRACY
    You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
    REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
    You have two cows. Yours neighbors pick somone to tell you who gets the milk.
    BUREAUCRACY
    You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other one and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. In triplicate.
    ANARCHY
    You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors take the cows and kill you.
    CAPITALISM
    You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    yours is terrible.

  2. SIV cows
    You give out cows to people who cant afford one. They promis to give you some of
    the milk. You pass the milk on to hedge funds, who are funding the purchase of
    the cows. The price of cows goes up, you book a fee. Everybody is happy

    Consumer cows
    You get your dream cow, that you could never have afforded. You promis to give
    some of the milk to your bank. Suddenly there is less milk so you give the cow
    back to the bank. You complain that you didnt realize how much milk you will
    have to give to the bank.

    Hedge fund cows
    You buy a promis that you will get milk from people you have never met. The milk
    is flowing nicely for a while. And then it stops. You tell your investors that
    this was not supposed to have happened for another 104,576 years. You buy a
    Ferrari to console yourself.

    Federal Reserve Cows
    For years you overfeed the cows who become fat and get addicted to food. Some
    die of over-nutrition and heart failures. You give them more food, to keep them
    happy. The price of cows goes up

    Super Conduit cows
    You breed cows at your farm with a genetical deficiency. They start dying. You
    take the sick cows and give it to a governement set up special farm for sick
    cows. You get to claim all your cows are healthy.

    Gold cows
    You buy a golden calf. It produces no milk, its very expensive but the price
    goes up every day.

    Sovereign cows
    You hear about cows. You set up a fund to invest in it. You allocate 200billion
    dollars out of your 2trillion reserves for that purpose. You start rumours about
    your Cow Fund

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